Saturday, 25 August 2012

A Very Dark Place

Whenever I read the blogs of some of my friends and acquaintances, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut with nowhere to go. I had a conversation with Gary a few months back about how everyone else seems to be moving forward, and we are stuck serving the remainder of our conscription service. It just doesn't seem fair that the girls get to move on with their life, and I'm doing nothing, waiting for time to pass by. I know that it's what every single male person has to go through, but it's just not a good feeling at all. Whereas some of my friends are in England, Canada, Australia and even Norway, I'm left wondering when my time will come.

Because I went to junior college, my parents had always expected me to go to the local university. It's not that local university is bad. In fact, it's ranked quite favourably against some of the world's top universities, but I have never envisioned myself going to one. Perhaps it's because my mind has been filled with imagery of American and English universities from pop culture, or because of the fact that I've visited my sister countless of times when she was studying at the University Of Queensland, I feel like it was my destiny to go out there in a foreign country, explore every nook and cranny and discover myself. I feel like the opportunity to live in a foreign country would be fully utilised by me because I won't be calling home crying because I miss the people back home. I would have been too busy checking things out and making sure that I leave no stone unturned.

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for the fact that I got a placement at Nanyang Technological University to study Communication Studies. But I can't help but feel shortchanged by my parents for their constant expectations of having me study in Singapore. My sister went overseas because her grades weren't good enough for local university, and my parents readily supported her. Those very things were the ones that hampered my dream to study overseas.

Next year, my sister is going back to Australia to get her Master's degree. My mother is helping her pay for her lodging and other miscellanous. I think that's completely irresponsible because I know that the money being channelled to my sister was originally meant for me, and because I'm getting subsidies for being a local student, that floating income is being funnelled to my sister. I would have liked for that money to be saved for me, when I go overseas in the future. I did not study hard in junior college just so that I could be shortchanged. Is this the reward for being a better student than my sister ever was? Is this the reward for all those late night study sessions at Starbucks, not going home until the first light breaks through the horizon?

I don't think so. Maybe that's the reason why I demand so much from my parents now. It's coming from a very dark place. A place where I'm always comparing and never feeling satisfied. It's probably the reason why I never want to have children. I don't think I have the heart to shortchange my future children of anything. What kind of a parent are you when you deny your child of opportunities that they should have grabbed? What kind of a parent are you when you know that your child yearns to break free, yet you are saddling them down to roots that they'd rather have chopped away?

I may never be truly satisfied with my life until I ultimately break away from the confines of relationships that bind me and cause me to sink to the bottom of the ocean floor. Sometimes, I wish I'd have the ability to choose my own family because it will make life so much easier. That's probably why I'm closer to friends that to people who share the same blood as me. That's also probably the reason why when I'm gone, I would truly be gone.

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