Shining Star

My paternal grandmother died when I was 7 years old. She was also my most favourite person in the whole world. Despite the generation gap, I can safely say that in pop culture terms, she was the Meredith to my Christina. Despite her having passed on for most of my life, I would always revert back to "What would Grandma do?" in situations that are less than desirable. I think she is the single most amazing person I've encountered in my life. She was strong when she was frail. She was stern, yet she was approachable.

Most of my childhood memories that I keep close to heart would usually involve having my Grandma in the picture. Because she died when I was in Primary 1, most of these memories occurred when I was in kindergarten. I remember her cooking black squid ink fried rice just because I don't like eating the gravy sauce for fear of turning dark. I also remember the time when I underwent the procedure every Muslim boy goes through and having her around just to take care of me. I remember the time when she would fetch me from kindergarten that one day and the lights in the lift were flickering. I remember the time when she was warded in the hospital and she would save a portion of her meal because she knew I loved hospital food. I also remember the last time I saw her alive, just as I was going to school in the afternoon session.

My grandmother was gone too soon but I think her death matured me as a 7 year old boy. At a very young age, I got to know that life isn't always fair and the people you love will die. That's a very poignant lesson to learn and I think it's shaped me to be a strong person. When my grandfather died 2 years later, I didn't cry because I knew that it was his time to go. This was a man who was married for 50 over years to the same woman, and after her death, he was never the same person. Yes, he was still a grandfather to me, but even then I knew he missed he too much. Up until now, whenever I hear about the death of a family member, I would utter a silent prayer and then remain stoic because I knew death would eventually claim its intended person.

In a way, I am grateful that both my grandparents passed on when I was still young, when I hadn't yet develop the emotional capacity that I have now. Ironically, despite maturing as a person, I don't think I could handle their death now because I think it will literally crush me emotionally to see their health deteriorate. When you are young, you are rarely kept in the loop and visits to the hospital were a treat to roam around in the car. The family had this habit of going to the beach after visiting hours were over. As a child, it was fun to build sandcastles and enjoy the cool breeze. In hindsight, the adults probably needed the reprieve from having come to the realization that their mother was slipping away from them, hence the excuse to bring us out.

As a child, I was extremely quiet. I think that's the reason why I had gotten special attention from my grandmother. I started looking through picture books even before I would speak and my uncle had initially thought that I was autistic. Every single family event, I would be reminded of how I was an obedient child whom my grandmother doted on so much and whom she would protect because I literally did not speak to anyone, not even to my parents. I did not run around like my cousins. I would just sit in the corner and read my pop-up books. I only ever owned one toy train set and the only reason I remember them was because there was a picture of it.

Because of my demeanour, I never know how to appropriately convey my condolences to friends who has had the misfortune of experiencing loss. There is no guidebook for it and it makes the whole thing too damn difficult. I don't want to run the risk of trivialising the loss yet I don't want to sound like I'm in as much pain as they are because obviously, how could an outsider even compare to that feeling of loss. Only someone who's had to experience loss at a young age could have this sense of emotional guardedness that many would label as insensitivity.

I miss my grandmother too much I don't think there's enough words in my vocabulary to express what I'm really feeling. I think because of this, I keep every relationship I have at arm's length, even with my parents, because I know everyone's going to die and there is no way I can handle the kind of loss similar to that of my granmother's. The kind of loss that's so gut-wrenching that even after 11 years, I can still remember the look on my grandmother's face the last time I saw her alive.

Blue Moon

I wore blue for this year's Eid. It wasn't even a new set of baju kurung, just something I dug up from 2 years ago. It doesn't make sense to me to get new clothes this year since I won't be going out much anyways. In past years, during my pre-jc days, I would get at least 4 baju kurungs of different colour because I felt that Eid was a time to splurge. Of course, back then, I also had religious classes so I  could actually wear them to my Koran recitation classes. Now, even getting one baju kurung seems like a hassle for me.

I find the dynamics of Eid to be very funny. You go to people's homes and have small talk. Then you wish them a blessed Eid and then seek forgiveness from them. These are people, at least for my mom's side of the family, whom I only meet once a year, effectively only during Eid. So, is there really any point in seeking forgiveness from people whom you've already asked for forgiveness the year before? Or are you seeking forgiveness for not seeing them at any time other than during the Eid period?

My sister commented that any Malay tradition in the family would be lost after me. Well, I don't fancy children, so I think it's safe to say there won't be any generation after me. But that aside, she also commented how I don't eat the ketupat, the staple rice cake that is all the rage during Eid. In my opinion, why eat squashed rice cake, when you can eat normal rice. It's not as if my family eats rice all the time so to eat the traditional dishes with rice is truly a novelty for me.

The usual small talk involved me explaining to them what I do in the Navy and them expressing their surprise that I'm even in the Navy because of the whole dynamics of the SAF which I don't really want to talk about. Then there was also the talk about University at every single household it's getting on my nerves. I mean, going to University is no longer a novelty. Every one of my friends are going there/already there so to keep discussing about the courses I'm going to take even before I actually step foot in the University itself is kind of premature, isn't it?

Your're A Rockstar

Duty at tower were spent listening to Ingrid Michaelson, my singer-songwriter crush whose concert I won't be able to attend because I have to shoot down some targets on September 11. How inauspicious is that? To go for my second year range on the anniversary the world changed for good. Doing duty with S also meant that we would be spending money despite being separated by a body of water to the nearest mall because we would be buying everything, from buffet vouchers to cupcake deals, online. We would also be complaining about life in general, and especially about commanders who do not have any backbone you wonder how the SAF actually runs itself.

We're able to book out today so I met up with E and A with the intention of heading to the Rockstar sale. In the end, it was too crowded, because (a) E managed to scout the location first and (b) there was that announcement over their facebook page stating that they were no longer accepting people into the building, even those queueing. So, as usual, the three of us always gets lost whenever we're in the car together which then resulted in screams, and shouts and laughter filling up the car with each of us blaming the other for missing said exit or turn.

Yes, that is a dolphin!

We ended up at Ikea where I bought a bowl and a plate for my personal use because they were just too pretty. I also got the dvd box in dark pink because HMV is having a sale and it's a good time to stock up on those good movies where you have to have a physical copy despite already owning a digital copy and also despite having seen the movie like, five times. I then came home to new bedsheets(yeay!), but they're blue(nay!). I was expecting a purple one or a red one and this just seems too different. Ikea is like filled with so much goodies like those pretty carnation flowers I swear I'm going to get them next year to put inside my dorm room and there is nothing that K, my future confirmed roommate, can ever do about it. 

Moonrise Kingdom

I watched Moonrise Kingdom together with A after my base run since the both of us have yet to watch the film. Wes Anderson is a genius I actually worship the ground that he steps on. The first movie of his that I watched was The Royal Tenembaums when I was in primary school after sneaking out of bed to watch the television. When you are a nine year old kid, things that appeal to you will forever be tucked away as a fragment of something perfect and pure and you carry it around for life and the same can be said about what Wes Anderson's films are to me.

I know that there are some friends that really do not like his movies, or even worse, have not even heard of him and I try my best not to judge but how can I not judge when this is about one of my favourite filmmakers, right up there with Woody Allen. I admit that his films have a very specific aesthetic to it and people may find it repetitive but that's precisely the reason I lap it up every single time. Fantastic Mr. Fox was utterly brilliant I weep for those people who've yet to watch it. But enough of my adulation for Wes Anderson.

Because the both of us were fasting, we were just wandering around the mall trying to fill the time by going to the bookstore and browsing books and then leaving before repeating the process all over again. I actually exclaimed to A that "WE ARE UTTERLY LOST AND AIMLESS WITHOUT ANY FOOD!" You see, A and I, we usually have good food and then Starbucks every time we go out, so it seems a bit weird to have to deviate from the normal routine that we were both lost for a second. And then we did what any normal person would do; sit down at a bench and talk.

What happened after the movie was that the both of us weren't planning to have dinner together but we did go to the supermarket to store up goodies and to our great surprise there was a British confection stand that was filled with all these limited edition items we just grabbed a basket and forgot about sugar levels and cavities and diabetes and paid for everything.

Baking Bug

I love to bake. It's been something that I've done since secondary school. My mom was surprised when I first started baking, because she doesn't bake and my sister doesn't bake. It's something that I picked up on my own, watching the television with my grandmother and looking at my aunt prepare delicious cakes and cookies. Baking is therapeutic for me, and I try to do it whenever I'm free. However, with my current schedule, baking has long taken a backseat and the last time I did some serious baking was when I was in junior college.

However, browsing through blogs dedicated to baking and cooking has somewhat fueled the fire in me to start baking again. Not right now, but within a month or two, when I can specifically bake stuff for gatherings with friends. Gatherings now have to be planned weeks in advance. Everyone is busy with commitments and no longer is it like it used to be, when you can ring up your friend and meet up for a movie or coffee. It used to be so easy back when we were all in school. Even with the heavy workload, meeting up and going out is the way in which we all de-stress from schoolwork. But alas, change is upon us and change is good.

I love Crepes Of Wrath for her recipes because she makes everything so crystal clear that you'd have to be an idiot to still abhor baking because you think that its too complicated. Her photographs are delightfully wonderful and brimming with colour and so perfect I just salivate whenever I'm on her blog.

1. Cherry Pie Crumble Bars

2. Mocha Muffin

3. Red Velvet Brownies

4. Blueberry Cobbler

Fine And Dandy And Real

The Wedding Dress: 200 Years of Wedding Fashion from the Victoria & Albert Museum, London

 

I finally got down to editing the photos that I've taken at the exhibition I went to last week with J. It's wonderful and satisfying to be able to reflect upon these beautiful creations and to take a closer look at them. The craftsmanship is just ridiculously good and these timeless babies have withstood the test of time. Brides nowadays continue to look back to find inspiration from them, and some may even be wearing the real vintage, heirloom pieces as well.

Looking at these gowns, one can get lost in the grandeur and the fine and dandy aspects of life quite easily. Who wouldn't want to forget about real life for a second. Unfortunately for me, I was listening to the radio the same time as I'm editing these photos and the news segment reported the finding of the body of the lost national serviceman in Brunei. It's quite sad to think that a young man has lost his life, all alone in the jungle, not having seen his family or been home at all since the past year. I may not know him personally but a death is still a loss, and to think that he died for the military, that's just beyond belief.

Validation

I attended an event today where we celebrated the batch of military personnel who have finished their cycle of duty. It wasn't an official luncheon, but a small gathering where people just come together, have food sponsored by those on the cusp of freedom, and basically just chill. Midway through the gathering, alcohol was brought to the table and it became a sort of frat party, where people who couldn't hold their liquor got really drunk. There were stupid games played and it was a night that truly showed that no matter how mature one appears to be, boys will always be boys.

Before the gathering, S and me actually went to watch Magic Mike. It was the only movie available at that time and there was a good offer where 2 movie tickets were the price of one, so we took the plunge and watched a movie about male strippers. It wasn't an outright gratuitous parade of flesh yet it was not gritty enough to be considered an indie gem. We then met up with J and watched Brave together, which was just uplifting and wonderful and perfect that it makes you forget about the current state of the world we're living in today. I am what one might consider to be a film hoarder and I think it's absolutely reasonable to be watching two, or even three movies at the cinema on the same day.

Recently, I find it heartwarming that people view me as someone whom they could talk to and reveal their thoughts without ever feeling like they're being judged, be it if whatever they're doing is wrong or right. It's taken a little bit of effort on my part over the past year to really remind myself that I'm in no position to outrightly voice out my displeasure or judgements, so to have people confide in me about things that others are not in the loop about; it sort of serves as a validation on this little thing that I've been working to improve upon.