Change

Change happens, and as much as I tell myself that it's for the better, sometimes, there is that niggling feeling that things should stay the same. That things should stay constant, and change would only cause discomfort, and much worst, grievance.

I don't abhor change. But change takes a little time to getting used to. I know that it's necessary; for the betterment of self, for the chance to grow up and be an adult. But change also signifies the loss of something, or someone.

Ever so often, I get very comfortable at one stage of my life, and then change has to occur, and I'll be forced to uproot myself from the comfort of life that I've been living in. It may surprise many that I'm saying this, but I actually got a hang of being in the Navy, and doing things at such a glacial pace. And to know that I'm in this cocoon, that I will forever be protected, and be taken care of by superiors whom I don't always agree with, but who will somehow always have my back.

And it's scary to think that people have gotten their lives together, and I'm still waiting for that one big break that may never happen. I'm twenty and I sound so jaded. I can't wait to be twenty-five and done with university, and not have a job, and then realise that my dreams will never be achieved and then to wake up one day and realise that there is nothing worth living for and take that final leap of faith into nothingness.

I feel myself being tugged into two different directions. One is forcing me to grow up and tackle life head on, and the other,  whispering into my ear, telling me to hold on to how things are for now, because there is no more going back to this period of time once I've crossed that threshold. Because it's okay to be twenty and reckless and always depending on your parents but once you're of a certain age, you better be able to start tanking your own shit.

Somehow, I feel like tragedy forces people to grow up and take charge of their life, and for me, having nothing terrible happen to me thus far perpetuates this belief in me that I am entitled to take things slow and easy because there will always be people around that will support me. And that really scares me. What if I happen to be one of those people who never leaves home and never experiences life? That's a death sentence by itself. No need to leap into nothingness, I guess?