I believe everyone is complex, some more so than others, and circumstances, and experiences in life shape who you are as a person. As I'm writing this, I am shaking with anger, with disappointment, with a sense of faded hope for the future. I've thought about my life, what I have accomplished, what I want more out of life. The things I want to see, and do and experience. And I foresee a future where I weed out all the negatives from my life, and live the life as it pans out for me.
People have often found me peculiar. Many don't say it outright, but I have a feeling that people are thinking about it. My own family members have voiced their concerns, about who I am as a person, who I want to be, and I always shrugged it off, because I don't think I need to be defined by people's expectations of me, and I shouldn't have the need to explain myself to people all around me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm living a double life; who I really am, and someone whom I project out for the world to see. I think it's better to sort out one's own problems, than saddle people around you with them. To that end, I don't see the need to label myself as 'such' and 'such' because I believe everything will come into its own one day and I'm hopeful for that.
Then there's that question of faith. I've had my share of lingering stares whenever I don't go for the Friday prayers, as dictated within the Koran. I believe in God, yet I am not practising. Sometimes I feel part of the reason I am the way I am is because I am jaded with people's take on religion. You are either good, or you are bad. Because you don't do this, you are bad. Because you do this, then five points for you.
Do people practise because they are honest in their beliefs, or is it because it's something that they were told to do? I don't see the point of putting up a front by doing certain things just so you can feel better about yourself and about your relationship with God. Just so that you feel it is within your right to tell others of what they're supposed to do. Some people; they don't live by the pillars and the virtues of Islam, yet find it within themselves to criticise others. I have come across many a character like that, and sometimes, I would love to call it as it is, but I held back. I believe in salvation, yes I do, but I also believe that religion is a personal thing. You're born alone, and you die alone and that's the reality of things.
I foresee the future in University where I will be faced with this dilemma once again. Somehow, one person has made a proposition for me to join a Muslim Society, just because I am one. Does that mean I should join the Boys' Brigade because I am a boy? Such a reasoning is flawed. I am going out on a limb here by saying that chances are, activities would involve preaching, games where the genders are divided, and a slew of other restrictions. I cannot live by that cardinal rule. I feel that to join such a society seems like a showy thing to do, a proclamation that "I joined and you didn't and therefore I have a reason to judge you."
Then there's this whole another thing called 'Family'. Friends find it amusing to learn about my squabbles with either my parents or my sister but for me, the root of the issue is that I've never felt like I belonged, ever. The only thing we have in common is that strand of DNA, and the fact that my parents consummated to have me. I'm not saying they're bad parents. They clothed me and they fed me, but I've always felt like I could live without them, and I had. For the first twelve years of my life, in fact. When my grandmother died, I learned about loss at a young age and I dealt with it and I've moved on.
Because my parents were working most of the time, I never had an emotional connection to them. They were people I called 'mom' and 'dad' because I was told to call them that. There is no affection from me to them. In fact, during Basic Military Training, as my fellow recruits phoned home crying, I was there, on the phone, with my good friend on the other line. I never did call them throughout my time there, except once, where we were made to call home to say that the first day of training was over. I didn't feel any sadness when my sister left for Australia to study and I am in fact angry that I won't have the chance to be the one saying the sayonaras next year.
I place more importance on friends, and the traditionalist's view on this is that it's unhealthy. Family should always be your priority because friends come and go. But I believe friends are family members you choose, and you better make an effort to treasure them. And the fact is, I am a loner by personality so even if I were to get deserted, I'd still have myself at the end of the day.